50 for 50+

It's time I wrote a blog.

Time - because it's been ages since the last one.

Time - because I find it genuinely cathartic, and when I feel the need I can turn to writing; unadulterated, often heartfelt, anecdotal waffle to cheer myself and (any) readers of my musings.

...And time because I'm rapidly approaching a milestone New Year's Eve birthday - one far bigger than any of the previous 49.

Back in late August I asked Facebook friends for suggestions to help me fill a list of '50 things to do after I'm 50'. I was stuck in the mid thirties.

That list is now complete.

For the record, I've already: Been married, had children, seen the Pyramids and Valley of the Kings, spoken on television (commercial), eaten various exotic meats, performed a (solo) parachute jump, floated in the Dead Sea, taken an evening class, organised countless fundraising events, shaken hands with Mickey Mouse across the pond, and attended some of the biggest sporting events on UK soil (golf, football, snooker).

I could never agree to a full body wax because it would take too many hours. Likewise running a marathon; unless it was in the wheelchair category. I also wouldn't have the patience to brew my own beer, nor the courage to say 'yes' to everything.

Sooooooo... what did make it onto the list?

*Adopts rich Dermot O'Leary brogue/ Declan Donnelly canny lilt*

"In no particular order...."

1. Play an(other) Open Championship venue

Had the pleasure of playing Royal Lytham & St.Annes back in 2007, and would relish tackling another course off the Open roster. If you're asking, then Carnoustie (Car'nasty') would be top of the list, or possibly kill two birds with one stone at Royal Portrush in Ireland (see #36).

Middle of the fairway on #18 at Royal Lytham in 2007

2. Visit Austria

Countryside/valleys not cities. Not one for trawling museums, marvelling at architecture or trying to negotiate busy city centre life - I can do that in the UK, or on Google. Give me fresh air, alpine countryside, rural hostelries and lederhosen. Well 3 out of 4 isn't bad.

3. Write a book

As bucket list ideas go, not exactly novel. Which is good, because I want to write a thriller.

I've always wanted to write a 'whodunnit', but never had the confidence nor, more importantly, the plot line to enable me to start typing. I know I want the denouement twist to be a play on words, but I've yet to comprise that killer line. When I do, it'll just be another 400+ pages, endless proofreading, reluctant publishers, and a significant advance between me and the Times bestseller list. 

Or maybe this aspiration will stay in the fantasy section.

4. Fly a helicopter

Yes, I'm scared of heights, and I don't like flying - but that's because I'm not in control of the situation. I don't like being a passenger, even in a car, so if I was flying the aircraft then I would be far happier and less nervous.

That said, I fear this aspiration may have to remain just that, as I doubt I would even pass the eyesight test today.

5. Own a snooker table

Much like the half-size version I had on my kitchen table as a youth, which meant opening cupboard doors and running the risk of dislodging tins of Spam or jars of pickled onions on your backstroke, a full size 12' x 6' table would just about fit in my living room. However that's all there would be space for, and you would have to play your shots with chalked chopsticks as there wouldn't be enough playing room for conventional cues.

- Think I'll file this aspiration under 'B' for 'Bigger House'.

6. Eat seafood at Rick Stein's restaurant in Padstow

Did this back in the mid noughties, and the Salt & Pepper Tiger Prawns were that good I asked the kitchen staff for the spice mix recipe. To this day, it's my favourite starter to cook. So simple, but finger lickin', lip smackin' good. (Recipe/Method available upon request.)

7. Spend a Christmas Day with my son and daughter

Tough one. One that pulls on the heartstrings and can overwhelm if paid too much emphasis.

For the last 6 years, like many many divorced parents, Boxing Day has been my Christmas Day.

I can only hope that with time, age and experience on everybody's part, we get to experience a Christmas Day together once again. That would be the best present.

8. Buy and Sell something at an auction

Self explanatory + commission and VAT.

Would be apt to set both the budget and reserve at 50 (quid).

9. Own my own house outright

Self explanatory + legal fees.

10. Stay at Plas Rhianfa with someone I like

Scene of countless holidays from my youth when the 19th century turreted chateau on the Anglesey bank of the Menai Strait was divided into 14 apartments. Quite spectacular then, although now it has been transformed into a boutique hotel, in my opinion the makeover has slightly diluted the period charm. (Nice if you like to bathe in a free standing roll-top in a bay window for the entertainment of passing yachtsmen, though)

Keep your eyes peeled in the new year, as the chateau and its magnificent grounds will feature in the new series of 'Cold Feet' (starts 8th Jan.); as the venue for a wedding reception.

Oh, the irony...

11. Attend an 80's music concert/festival

The 80s were definitely the best years musically, if not lyrically.
I'd like to relive my youth with a day at a retro 80s concert, but would have to stay in a hotel if a festival meant one more night. Home comforts and all that. 

12. Own a dog

Grew up with 3 different Border Terriers as the family pet over my first 30+ years, and I suppose this breed would be my preferred choice. If I somehow end up living in a bigger property, I'd consider a Boxer dog - because they're such clowns.

13. Fly First Class

Gawd knows why. If ever there was a case of paying vastly over the odds for a service, then this is it. Ten to twenty times the price of people sitting below and behind you in the same aircraft; simply for the luxury of more pretentious food, a plush seat from World of Leather, and some free alcohol.
In fact you can recreate the experience in your own living room any night, by buying the 2 for £10 dinner from M&S and serving it up on a plastic tray whilst setting your  massage recliner to maximum vibration to simulate turbulence. When you've finished your meal, go to the bathroom and flush a lot of money down the toilet. 
I'm afraid I'll only be flying First Class when I've been successful at #40.

14. Watch Arsenal at The Emirates

Although a lifelong fan, I've never been to The Emirates stadium to watch Arsenal. I'm Gunner make it happen.

15. Give my daughter away at her wedding

Given I cried during my own wedding (the ultimate foresight?), I think I'd probably be in bits during hers; but nothing would make me more proud.

16. Attend filming of BBC1's 'Would I Lie To You?'

Probably my favourite game show on television. A programme that I, perhaps unbelievably, regularly laugh out loud watching. Great concept, and in team captains Lee Mack and David Mitchell, quick wit, dry humour, and erudite eloquence that is right up my alley.

Not only would I love to attend the studio for filming, but it also remains an ambition to organise a non-celebrity episode for friends. I've already got my stories lined up; one of which involved serving a female celebrity in a restaurant and spraying them with red wine.

Would I lie to you?

17. Drink champagne on a cruise

Another already ticked off in my first 50 years, but want to do again in my Saga era. Preferably with someone lovely, who is not tee-total and doesn't get sea-sick. 

18. Play a PGA Tour venue

The quality of American courses is usually a cut above those found in Europe, and there are some real beauts on the PGA Tour rota. If pushed, Pebble Beach, TPC Sawgrass, Augusta National, or Riviera CC would be my shortlist.

7th hole at Pebble Beach

19. Eat a fish that I have caught

Want to do it again.
As long as it's not a catfish.

20. Babysit my grandchildren

Given either, or both, of my offspring are fortunate enough to have their own in the future, it would be fantastic to be able to look after my grandchildren so that mum or dad could have a bit of 'me' time.

21. Make my own aftershave

Not quite sure where I can do this, although I seem to remember watching an ITV programme with 3 teams of celebrities travelling through France in Citröen 2CVs who stopped off somewhere and made their own scents. My idea is for a fragrance combining the warmth and kick of black pepper with citrus notes of mandarin. If it smells like shit, I could always add more alcohol and market it as a cocktail instead.

22. Visit Las Vegas

Yes it's tacky, but a one-off holiday to the Blackpool of America would sate my desire to tour the casinos and take in some evening shows. There's also the chance that with a little help from Lady Luck, it might end up being a free holiday.

If that doesn't transpire, I'll never go back again. Just like Blackpool.

23. Design a range of screen printed t-shirts

Each with a single line from an 80s hit, together with an illustrative image.
Now that's what I call an idea.

24. Sit in front of a roaring log fire drinking a nightcap

Since living on my own, the days of an open fire in the winter are a thing of the past. It would be nice to be able to finish an evening with a shot or two of something to warm the stomach whilst relaxing in front of a hearth. Maybe I should combine this with #2, #10 or #36.

25. Eat giant crab claws in the USA or Canada

I love crustacean food, and watching 'Deadliest Catch' makes me salivate.

Fresh from the boats off the New England States in the USA, or the Alaskan waters off the Canadian west coast, this would be a truly tasty treat.

Just pass me the crackers.
And a bib.

26. Retire earlier than 67

If I'm still alive it would be great to retire early, just so I can create a new list of 'Things to do after I retire'.

Things like:

'Being able to put my socks on';

'Go through the night without having to get up for a tinkle';

or 'Enter a room without wondering why I'm there'.

The joys.

27. Visit San Francisco

Not that San Francisco fills me with seismic levels of excitement, but a visit would enable me to catch up with one of my best friends who embarks on a new life over there in February, with his lovely wife who is already in situ.

28. French boating holiday on the canals

Aquitaine ou Midi.

Oui.

29. Attend the Masters at Augusta

Possibly the best manicured piece of golfing real estate in the world. Would have to go on Thursday or Friday and fly back on Saturday, because the back nine on Sunday is one of the best pieces of sporting theatre on television.

30. Watch a West End Show

Would have to be something of interest and probably with song and/or dance. So forget 'War Horse', 'Les Mis', 'Phantom' and 'The Curious Incident of th...' ZZZzzzzzz.... 

It needs to be upbeat and feel good.

I don't mind bopping in the aisles, as long as the dad-dancing police aren't undercover.

31. Visit Switzerland by train

Stunning scenery, fresh mountain air, lakes and chalets.

Takes me back to 'Jeux Sans Frontières' in my youth and the capital CH on the Swiss vests.

Oh and, unlike Britain, the transport is guaranteed to turn up on time; so I can plan my holiday to the Tissot second. - Wouldn't want to miss the chocolate, marshmallows and schnapps in the hot tub.

32. Select a charity to patron

Always nice to give something back, so I shall endeavour to find a charity that means a lot to me, and give them the benefit of any donations or fundraising that I do post 50.

33. Visit the Middle East

I was hoping to do this sooner rather than later; but a late change of heart.

Still, it's something I'm sure I'll do some time before I shuffle off this mortal coil, as from all the pictures and spectacular vistas I have seen, the whole region remains alluring - even if the culture would inevitably take me away from my Saturday morning bacon sandwiches, and way outside of my comfort zone.

34. Get to 100 blog posts

This is my 87th entry since starting this blog in late 2010, and to date the pageview count stands just shy of 15,000 despite there being some quite lengthy hiatuses between postings. Written primarily to amuse myself, family and friends, and then any others who stumble upon it, it would be great to complete 100 entries and see the click count pass 20,000.

I might then retire gracefully and start on that book...

35. Sit on jury service

Unfortunately you don't get any choice in whether you are selected for jury service, short of bribing a civil servant; and that would mean me being a juror at my own trial.

36. Play golf in Ireland

Some of the most underrated courses in the world can be found in the Emerald Isle - staying under the radar mainly because of the lack of footfall. I'd like to drive around the countryside for a week, and pitch up and play whenever and wherever I came across a golf course. Old Head in County Cork would be the dream; a course akin to Nefyn & District in Wales for coastal magnificence.

37. Learn to dance Strictly style

Remembering steps as opposed to dancing like nobody is watching, would be the problem. But I can't be any worse than John Sergeant, or that Hairy Biker, can I.....?

38. Attend football matches in Serie A and La Liga

Quite fancy a couple of weekends in Italy and Spain to take in some European football. Not fussed with the giganti or galacticos of the divisions, would happily settle for visits to see Sampdoria and Sevilla. Both grounds lend themselves to a great atmosphere.

39. Commission a painting of myself

By someone with a semblance of artistic talent, obviously - because they've got to have the imagination on canvas to open my eyes, remove the suitcases from underneath them, and give me a more flattering y:x face ratio with solid cheek bone pronunciation and a chiselled chin.

I've heard Andrea Bocelli can paint.

40. Win big on the tables at Monte Carlo

The antithesis of the Las Vegas experience. There is surely no better place in the world to strike it lucky - unless, of course, you meet Michael Barrymore in the casino and he invites you back to his tax haven for a pool party.

41. Attend a race meeting in a private box

Again, something I've already done, but want to do again. My debut in equine entertainment based corporate hospitality came courtesy of the London Rubber Company, when working in marketing for Lloyds Chemists back in November 1994 - at a time when I actually had need for my hosts most famous of products. 

All I can remember is that my soon-to-be wife actually made more profit amongst the prophylactics than I did, despite her choices being selected solely on a nice name, mane, or a particularly appealing coloured set of jockey silks. Thereby proving the old adage that even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and again.

- That's not to say I am liking my ex-wife to a blind squirrel. Although she might argue that she found a nut when she met me.

42. Achieve a hole-in-one

Discounting crazy golf, in 38 years playing the beautiful game over a full course, whilst I've hit the pin and also stuck it to about 6", I've never achieved the holy grail. I've holed out for eagle three or four times, but never on a Par 3.

Thereby proving that I'm not even a blind squirrel.

43. See my son pass out as a Royal Marine

Eight months and a viscious drop-out rate currently separate my son from his dream: A career with the most elite of fighting forces.

If aptitude, ambition, focus and determination were to be rewarded then he would already be wearing that most famous of berets. Unfortunately they aren't, and passing an intensive 32 week course is - but I have every (non biblical) faith that he will succeed.

He really is a fine young man. Very proud.

44. Treat a homeless person to a night in a hotel

Did this back in 2011, and it made me feel just as happy as the bloke (Paul) who I gifted the room to. The only surprise for me was how long it actually took to find someone sleeping rough in Leicester city centre.

Must do this one again before a few of the other, more self-centred, items on this list.

Karma works in mysterious ways.

45. Zip-line in North Wales

Crazy I know, because lying in a sleeping bag hurtling across the Welsh countryside at that height probably means 'Deceased' is one of the tick boxes on the Accident Report form.

Still, I'm sure I used to traverse down the stairs in a sleeping bag when I was young, so what's the worst that can happen?

Oh..... yeah.

46. Attend a MLB baseball game

One to pitch in with other USA based points on this list, I think.

47. Break 80 at golf again

The older you get, the higher your scores tend to be - so time is of the essence. I need to achieve this one in the next few years.

The ultimate aim for an ageing golfer is to shoot lower than their age, but to do that I'm probably going to have to live until I'm in my mid 80s and even then it would probably have to be around a pitch 'n putt course in Ifracombe.
With a buggy.

And a nurse.

48. Get fitter

The trouble is that the older you get, you don't get to exercise enough of the parts of your body that you should. Usually because it's too much of an effort, there's not enough time, or things start hurting.
Although if breathing were an exercise, I'd probably have a fitness DVD out for Christmas. 
I'll think about swimming again next year. 

49. Live happily ever after

With or without someone else, to be happy with who I am, my moral code and compass, comfortable with how I live my life, and thankful for my close friends and loving family.

50. Smile more

Okay. Agreed.

Twice a year should suffice.

☺

(That one doesn't count)

Until next time.....